Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
