I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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