Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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