U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
