i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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