and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
