i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
