seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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