I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
