So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
