Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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