the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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