Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
