well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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