My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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