my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
