wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I smell stomach acid.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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