no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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