I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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