Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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