I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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