When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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