my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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