I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
