One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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