Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
