If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
