Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
