I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
