I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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