Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
