One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
