At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
