Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
