Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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