i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
