Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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