You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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