Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
