Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
