Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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