you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
zippers are such a cool invention
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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