I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
