ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
