I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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