Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
