It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
