i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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