She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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