he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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