Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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