I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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