Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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