i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
