White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
