Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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