i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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